I was restless the other night. The 3rd or4th time I went back to bed it was nearly dawn. I lay down and with my whole heart I asked the great universe to  “please give me a clear answer about this book  I want to write.  Should I write it or will [...]]]> Journal entry  November 2004

I was restless the other night. The 3rd or4th time I went back to bed it was nearly dawn. I lay down and with my whole heart I asked the great universe to  “please give me a clear answer about this book  I want to write.  Should I write it or will it be a waste of my time and emotion?”

This is what I dreamed:

I was being lead by a single file line of fast running spirits. They were running so fast they looked like smoke.  The one spirit that was closest to me was holding my hand, pulling me quickly through streets and parties, through an open field, a forest, over hills and back to a small town. The running spirits never slowed down. The spirit leading me pulled my hand and encouraged me to keep up.

We went flying through a dark alley turning left then right in the growing  damp fog. Then, the spirits ahead turned a quick corner and flew through an open door. The spirit leading me rushed passed the door then slammed it in my face.

I stood there for a second, perplexed.  Then I banged on the door yelling “Hey! Guys! Let me in!”

The door burst open and a huge snarling green monster jumped out, with Its arms up to look  even bigger. It scared me to shivers and tears. Then,  the monster suddenly shrank down to the form of the spirit that had been pulling me along. My heart was  pounding,  I was  shaking and out of breath.  I yelled with relief   “What did you do that for?”  He yelled back:  “HOW  COULD  YOU  ASK  A  QUESTION  LIKE  THAT?”

I woke up, fully aware of the question I had asked before I went to sleep.

I started outlining the first chapter the next day.

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..And suddenly – out of nowhere..BAM!   I’m hit by a truck. Consciously unconscious – I lay on the floor – shut down,  paralyzed- in the cleaning aisle of a discount store.   Alone.  I wake up to pain and confusion. No one has stopped to see if I’m OK– (It must [...]]]> Journal entry may 2007

..And suddenly – out of nowhere..BAM!   I’m hit by a truck. Consciously unconscious – I lay on the floor – shut down,  paralyzed- in the cleaning aisle of a discount store.   Alone.  I wake up to pain and confusion. No one has stopped to see if I’m OK– (It must have only been a few seconds)

That’s OK- in a way. I don’t want to be a spectacle.    Then,  I’m overwhelmed by the solitude of a seizure;

is it Death passing through me – on Its to someone else?

My brain stops.   Can’t remember where I am or why.

I know that I’m alone- and can barely stand.

I have to get home.

I can barely walk – or keep my eyes up and level.

gotta get home gotta get home gotta get home

HOW?  DRIVE?–God, help me!

I get to my car-  Sleep first.

I lay there – half dead in the car  — screaming with all my silent strength:  “Help me! Please! Somebody!  Help!  I NEED HELP!”

no one looked.   no one stopped. no one.

An hour later  I woke up feeling like I’d been hit in the head with a bag of bricks.  Automatic pilot  was engage.  I drove the short distance home.

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I felt strong and hardy walking through the woods and the [...]]]> Yesterday was a typical cold and damp December day here in mid-Ohio.  The 28 degree temperature was a warm up from recent days so I layered up my clothing (from long-johns to cozy gloves and a hat) and took my hound dog to the park.

I felt strong and hardy walking through the woods and the open fields, while Vinnie Van Gogh ran around chasing the elusive squirrels.  I walked with a muscle-tight stride for some added exercise. We were all over the park for about an hour. When I got back in the car I realized I had worked up quiet a sweat in the icy air…which is against my ‘anti-seizure’ rules.. but I felt great.

On the way home, I had planned a stop at the Pattycake Vegan Bakery to by some treats for my vegan friend, Lydia.  I walked into the shop and the warm, sweet fragrance of sugar and spices caressed  my senses. A moment later, I opened my eyes and found myself sitting at the table in the bakery. Two kind, soft spoken women were behind the counter watching me. I had no idea where I was or why.   “You’ve just had a seizure” one of the girls said calmly, “You were out for about ten seconds.”    That was my ‘10 minute-warning-bell’  for an approaching flurry of much harsher seizures.  I stood up to get to my car and get home before the next round got me but the to lovely ladies, Jennie and Amanda were not going to let me leave the store until they were SURE I was stable enough to drive.  One of them brought me a glass of much needed water. By the time I finished the water and felt better, my ‘ten-minute-warning’ had passed.  I woke up, again, at the table in the bakery.

From that point this is what I remember:  I was in a bakery and not sure why. I remember Jennie and Amanda questioning me about my condition. I don’t remember answering.  One of them wanted to call ‘the squad’. I remember saying “NO!, PLEASE! DON’T CALL THEM! THEY CAN’T HELP!”  (which is true. Sirens, commotion, the battering  questions and ultimately the hospital only makes a standard round of seizures worse).  I remember waking up again on the floor.  I was concerned about Vinnie, sitting in my car.  I remember waking up again with one of the girls picking me up off the floor. I remember being a passenger in my car. I remember waking up on my front porch with Jennie and Amanda helping me up.  I woke up 2 more times inside my apartment with Amanda trying to call my friends  (I must have been conscious on some level, she had names and phone numbers).  I remember crawling to my couch..unable to walk (muscle spasms) crying from embarrassment.  Jennie helped me up to the couch and Amanda brought me more water.  Those 2 small  necessities  are overwhelmingly impossible for me when I am alone after seizures.

Jennie and Amanda did not know me. They had no obligation to see to my safety..much less..my comfort. Yet, they insisted.  They were angels making sure no harm came to me.  They stayed with me long enough to make sure I was stable and that at least one of my friends knew what had happened.  I will never forget their kindness and unconditional care.  I hope the grand Universe brings them each a thousand unexpected joys.  Jennie and Amanda are uncommon jewels in our Cosmic River.  I can not thank them enough.

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The ancient Greeks were my kind of people; [...]]]> The ancient Greeks believed that anyone struck with a seizure was being taken over by a God and given special knowledge.  Yeah, those were the days…Heroes and monsters. A  God for the sea and one for the sun.  Anything unexplainable was caused by a meddling God or Goddess.

The ancient Greeks were my kind of people; philosophical and hedonistic, dancing in celebration of a God one minute and sleeping with one disguised as a swan the next.  As for the special knowledge passed on through seizures … I have seen MANY things during those..interludes.

I once took a Greek Mythology class at OSU. The teacher, Laura, was young and bubbly..SO excited to be sharing her knowledge of the ancient Greek world.  To her, their myths were truths;  grand and logical. The main God was Zeus, the ominous one. The other Gods were like managers, each with their specific gifts and duties. In  her opening lecture she sited (among other examples) the way the Greeks explained seizures: They believed that the one stricken with a seizure was being given special knowledge by the Gods.  Epileptics were revered as keepers of  special insight to the worlds of the Gods…and their dramatic gossip.

After every first class,  I felt it was important to  tell the professors of my condition. If one of the florescent lights was flickering, I was at risk of a seizure.   When I told Laura that I have epilepsy, she spun around with a big smile and  said, genuinely  excitedly,  “Wow! How fortunate for you!”  I was speechless.  In that one moment my entire perspective on every other moment in my life was changed forever.  Perhaps I was an oracle to Apollo or a favorite maiden of  Bacchus. It doesn’t matter…she brought whimsy and light back into my memories.

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